Doubt
by Americaissuperloud
Summary: Spain and Romano are having some relationship problems. Romano knows this, but he can't keep his god damn mouth shut long enough to do much anything about it. One day Spain disappears and Romano is left sitting, wondering how he could've let this happen and how he will go on living without his one and only friend.


Doubt⭐️

-Spamano-

"Scared of my own of my own immaturity. Scared of my own celling, scared I'll die of uncertainty."

This was especially true when it came to Romano. He had always been a sensitive person and covered it up with a rude attitude and a whole lot of cursing. Almost everyone who knew him thought of him as a grumpy asshole. The only one knew what was really inside of him. This person was Spain. Romano loved Spain, no matter how many times he said he hated him or denied his feeling they were always there.

"Fear might be the death of me. Fear leads to anxiety."

That sadly was also true for the Italian. He has suffered from anxiety, sleeping and eating problems, loneliness, suicidal thoughts his entire life. All of his problems dissipated, at least a little bit, when he was around his loving Spain.

"Don't know what's inside of me."

One of Romano's worst fears is that he would one day hurt Spain. More than just emotionally but physically. What if one day Romano's emotional dam broke and he lashed out at Spain. What if he seriously hurt him. Romano knows that if that happens he will never be able to forgive himself.

"Don't forget about me."

What would be even worse than hurting Spain would have to be Spain forgetting him. Italy had spoken to him about Holy Roman Empire and when he left, but Romano thinks that if Spain left him, just up and left, and never came back that Romano would never be the same person. That would totally crush him. He never wants that to happen. Ever.

"Even when I doubt you I'm no good without you. No no"

Even though Romano yells at and corrects Spain does not mean he hates him or thinks he is stupid. Even when Romano says that he thinks Spain is stupid he does not mean it. He knows that if Spain did everything exactly how Romano told him to both there worlds would be living hell. Really without Spain to keep track of him and tell him to do stuff Romano would not be the country he is today. Romano knows this and respects Spain for it, even though he might not show it.

"Temperature is dropping, Temperature is dropping. I'm not sure if I can see this ever stopping. "

That is true. Over the past couple of years the couple has drifted farther and farther apart from one another and at times can be quite cold to one another. Romano hates this and wishes for it to stop but whenever he tries to help he just ends up messing everything up. One of the best, or should you say worst, an example of was a year or so ago. It had been the anniversary of the day that Spain saved Romano from Turkey. Romano had planned the entire day out, every little detail. Then he completely ruined it. He had tried, really really tried, to not act like his usual rude self for ONE day but ended up seeming more mean. Spain did not say anything, the amazing person he is but there was a clear change in his behavior towards Romano. That was really the day that it had started. God how Romano wished he could take that day back. He thought about apologizing for his rude behavior but decides against it. He would apologize now but Spain would probably think it stupid, to apologize after such a long time. There was just no end to the downhill ride of his and Spain's relationship was there?

"Shaking hands with the dark parts of my thoughts."

Sometimes Romano would think up crazy little schemes to get Spain back. He even almost went through with them once or twice. They were insane though. Sometimes Romano pondered the thought of him being truly insane. He always pushed the thought out of his head before he did anything on it though. That was kind of the way he worked. Never truly finishing something. God, he was a horrible person. Spain deserved someone better than him.

"You are all that I've got."

Romano would have already told Spain to leave him for a better man if it not for the fact that Romano had no one else. Sure there was his brother but he had never really understood him the way Spain had. Spain was one of a kind, that was for sure. Romano could not think of another human soul that could give him the happy feelings that Spain did. He was truly his first and only friend and sadly his last.

"Gnawing on the bishops, claw away at the systems. Repeating simple phrases someone Holy insisted. When the mark is made on my skin to mean something to me again."

Sometimes Romano felt that he was playing chess. Always looking ahead, planning his next move. It was taxing on his brain that was for sure. He had never been very good at chess, the only times he won were when Spain let him. This thought almost always made the Italian man cry. Oh how much he wished for the old Spain back. The kind one who would wake him up on a Saturday morning with kisses to his face. The Spain that would go down that same morning and make a breakfast of eggs and bacon. He missed that Spain, his first and only love. No one could ever compare to that old Spain. He sometimes cut himself, slightly hoping that Spain would walk in to ask him a question or something or the sort and see him. That would probably get him back. He would always shun himself for thinking that, for it would hurt Spain even more than Romano to see that sight, and covered his scars. This was the only thing that brought Romano emotion anymore. That and thinking of his amazing childhood. Even though the scars were just lines they meant much, much more to Romano. In some crazy way, they reminded him of his childhood and how great it was. Maybe he really was crazy.

"Hope you haven't left without me. Hope you haven't left without me, please."

There would be times where Romano was looking so hard for answers that he would think crazy things, like that Spain was cheating on him or Spain did not really love him the way Romano loved Spain. He would always push them down, just to have them appear later out of nowhere. The one day that Romano goes and gives apologizing his full and final attempt he goes up to Spain's room. When he gets there he relishes that Spain is gone. He might be at the store or the gym or with Francis and Gilbert. He thinks hoping that it is true. Later that night he sees that he missed the mark. Spain has been gone all day, over 16 hours. If he does not hear from him by tomorrow Romano decides he would call Francis and Gilbert. If they have not seen him then he is calling the police. Romano slides into the cold bed. Realizing that he is truly alone, he breaks inside. His heart shatters into a million different pieces and he starts bawling like a little child. That is really what he was, as insecure and fragile as a newborn baby. Please. Oh god, please. Not the one person who cared for him, the one and only person who would ever love him. How could he leave? Romano cried uncontrollably until he feels something warm wrap around him. He looks over his shoulder to see Spain. He has a tear in his eye. He blinks assessing the situation when you turn around completely and pull him into a bear hug. You have never been this happy to see that face in all your life. "Why are you crying Lovi?" Spain asks looking at you with concern in his beautiful green eyes and ringing through his voice. "I'm so sorry. I thought you had left. I realize now that I was stupid for even thinking it but I truly thought you had left me. It killed me." Romano says wiping a tear from his eye and sniffling, letting his heart out, just the smallest amount. " I would NEVER do that Lovi. I love you. More than myself." Spain looks deep into Romano's hassle eyes when he says this. "I AM SO SORRY TONI YOU DESERVE SOMEONE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME AND I LOVE YOU TOO," Romano says louder than either expected. "It's alright Lovi. I can't hold anything against you, even if I try." With this Spain turns, with Romano still in his arms and pulls Romano up against his chest. Romano smiles and snuggles against his love in the bed. How much he missed this. They slept through the entire night like this and when they woke up Spain made Romano breakfast, just like he used to.

THE END

Based on the song Doubt by twenty-one pilots, love that song ️


End file.
